By Goldenwulf on Sat 28 Apr 2001 at 13:24
We have just returned from a weekend at The Edge. For ophelia and myself this has been a period of introspection and greater understanding of ourselves, and we both feel that we wish to possibly help others in their journey into a new world. We are writing our own accounts with no collusion or indeed access to the other's account. This is my viewpoint.
Ever since ophelia and I took our first tentative steps along the route to self-discovery, we have questioned and queried everything. We both read extensively and then found IRC as a route to conversing with like-minded individuals. Like other people, we had some lucky escapes along the way, once by being totally honest with other people about our newness and naivety, we were innocently almost duped into becoming part of someone else's abusive behaviour, hidden as it was behind a facade of encouragement and friendship!
Lesson One: Make sure people earn your trust.
Despite hours and hours of research for articles or websites that could help us understand more fully the path we wanted to explore, it was not until I found Ms Demmie's site and read about an 'Introduction to BDSM' course that I broached the subject with ophelia. On Good Friday we headed down to North Devon.
Now this was something novel, we were off to stay with people we had never met, to discuss a subject we knew we had interest in, but to what depth we did not know. Scary doesn't describe the feeling!
My mind was eased a little by the fact that I'd chatted to Demmie fairly regularly since we started going into #Submission^England on IRC. In fact she had helped me deal with early panic attacks regarding my feelings. I had always viewed Dominants as abusive, and had blocks about other aspects of the scene too. She had in fact, already started a process - which no doubt will be ongoing - of giving encouragement and advice when we chatted online.
Co-incidentally, ophelia and budgie had also chatted, and I know that she developed a rapport with him in the same way that I felt I did with Demmie.
The trip took 6 hours, the last 75 minutes on A roads mainly. It was just after 7 p.m. when we pulled off down the final lane to the destination. Looking back now it seemed poetic that as we drove down to the junction, the roads were shrouded in mist - as we both were about to unveil a whole part of ourselves to others. In my case, far more than I would ever have envisaged.
We approached the cottage. It's set in a deep valley and at the bottom of a steep hill. As we drove down towards it the sea in the distance seemed to form part of a grey curtain nestling between towering promontories. I sensed a feeling of belonging immediately. The stress of normal life just slid like a cloak from my shoulders as I parked the car albeit tempered with trepidation as we knocked on the door.
Demmie and budgie greeted us, the car was unloaded, and we were ushered into the kitchen of the farmhouse, where a spread to cater for all tastes was laid out. A refreshing mug of tea was followed by a family meal and within an hour it felt like we'd been there all our lives. One more thing remained for us to see, we were led down through the house and a door opened before us, all was darkness as we moved through the darkness... ophelia and I first, the room wrapped around us with warmth, still in total blackout... then suddenly on came the lights and I was introduced to my first ever dungeon and gazed in wonder at the fantastic array of furniture complemented magnificently by a regal colour scheme and my mind was already planning deviousness <g> - but not on this night however.
We moved through to the cottage, where a log fire was lit wine was opened and after initial social chat, began the business that we'd made the trip for.
Now I'm not the world's greatest talker (surprising I know for a DJ) but I was so at ease with the company that I had no problems in opening up my thoughts and feelings. One of the first things I became aware of was the need for GOOD communication, and also how much more practice I needed. Without going into too much detail I had a lot of hang-ups from my life that have prevented me from doing EXACTLY that. With Demmie and Budgie they were astute enough to identify causes that I had hidden in the depths of my subconscious for many a year.
So we ended the day in a positive light, we discussed a variety of subjects for hours in the light of a roasting log fire until we collapsed into bed. Even so, ophelia and I still discussed aspects of the evening that related to our communications until we drifted into a warm and deep sleep.
Lesson Two: GOOD Communication is everything
Saturday began with a stroll to the beach, well almost, as we had slept in so late we only had time to get halfway there before brunch <g>
The first topic of the day continued on the subject of communication, this time looking at Negotiation. Ophelia and I believed we had a reasonable understanding of the subject matter, but I soon realised that my needs and hers had been open to confusing signals. I also had conflicting emotions regarding my Dominant side, given that I'm not adverse to being Topped occasionally. Throught the course of the afternoon as the subjects intertwined I began to see not only my position but also ophelia's in a different light. The weather outside was also brighter, mirroring my feelings and viewpoints on what I was still coming to terms with. It was as though as a flickering candle had transformed into a torch inside my head, lighting up all the negatives I felt about myself. Understanding was beginning to bloom, both of what I need and want from ophelia, and what I want to give her. More importantly from my viewpoint, I am becoming more aware of what she needs too. I couldn't stop looking at her throughout the discussions, I felt so much warmth toward her.
At this point we were both like a couple of teenagers, we know we love each other and will work hard to always make that so, and one worry of mine was that we might lose that through our playing. I realised that I need to build up her trust in me more too. I also acknowledged her need for space occasionally, something I've been reluctant to do in the past.
When we first started researching BDSM, we both completed a Play Partner Checklist, and knew we'd do the same at the weekend. In the early days, I was not honest because I thought I would scare ophelia off with my desires, so it was intelligent of Demmie and budgie to wait until we'd settled down and debated issues before we compiled them on Saturday afternoon. They insisted we do it in isolation, so indeed we did, and after a short break where ophelia and I sat around as if waiting for exam results (me being particularly nervous). I think we both passed <g> We compared results and looked at areas we may need to discuss, but our hard limits are set in stone and that made me feel a great deal better.
As the evening closed in we discussed the plans for after dinner (yet another superb spread) and then came the moment of truth. After a display of toys which would take eons to accumulate, Into the dungeon we went for a closer look at the wonderous items available for us. We were given a thorough instruction on their use and then left to our own devices for the rest of the evening.
It's warm and atmospheric in that room, but we started very nervously, slipping into a role play for a short while, both of us being totally overwhelmed by the grandeur and connotation of being in such a space for the first time. We set the music, and eased into what became almost 6 hours of play time with frequent breaks for a glass of wine and a chat. Ophelia even became a little more comfortable with Topping, and we laughed and played as though we we children, which in our hearts we were, with our own little fantasy room. We could have played all night , but became again overwhelmed by the room, so retired to the cottage, if not to sleep for a while.
Sunday was an even sunnier day, and after another hearty brunch, where we talked over what we'd done the previous evening, we retired to the cottage to look at the WRONG way of a BDSM scene, this was in the form of a video, and was completely at odds with the way I felt about being a Dom. We sat in increasing horror at some aspects of it, until Demmie eventually safe-worded on behalf of us both.
At this point we debated aspects again, I know I definitely need the traffic light system until I become more in tune with ophelia's body language, something that we debated with gusto. For me however, this session brought about the most moving part of the whole weekend.
Ophelia is not into pain, I have always been worried about her limits and never had the confidence to move things on when playing. We had talked on the previous night, and she suggested that if Demmie were agreable, she would like her to carry out a 'threshhold' limit test on her. I thought it would be a good idea, but it was ophelia that brought up the subject in discussion. I was so overwhelmed and also knew she did it to give me more confidence in myself. My heart was almost bursting with love and pride.
After a short while, in which Demmie and budgie left us alone - me as nervous as a kitten and wanting to hug her all the time - she calmly gathering thoughts whilst drinking a glass of wine - we went through to the dungeon, where Demmie had dressed in a very regal velvet gown, and budgie had thoughtfully brought down some towels for comfort.
Ophelia lay down on the Y Bench, I knelt at her head, holding her hands and looking into her eyes, Demmie played with a variety of tools and Ophelia reached plateaus I have never seen before, I have to say I was exploding with feelings throughout, and so emotional that I am not ashamed to say I had tears running down my face. Budgie was at her head too, and identified the point in which to call things to a halt. We were left alone for a while, where we composed ourselves, it felt a very spiritual moment for me, I hope it was for her too.
We sat down to Sunday dinner, yes, you've guessed it, another superlative repast, and afterwards concluded discussions before adjourning to the dungeon, where Demmie gave us a demonstration with budgie, and it was wondrous to see the pleasure he gained from her manipulations. It's blatantly obvious they are as much in love as we are, identifying and fulfilling each other's needs.
Ophelia and I then had our last play session in the dungeon, this time with more confidence and even more experimenting with the furniture <g>. At the end of the night, we were both mentally exhausted, and cuddled up in the cottage to fall asleep immediately.
The weekend of discovery was over, for me I found that I have a need to control and dominate, but need to build up the trust that Ophelia has in me in our vanilla relationship, to the point where she can trust me implicitly in the BDSM scene. I respect her totally and will work to make sure she has the respect for me too. Like all newcomers we don't know where our journey will take us, but one thing I know is that wherever we end it, it will be together in love, truth and honesty. We have a long way to go, but I learned a lot about myself and what makes me tick, hopefully ophelia and I will develop, but who knows. For anyone who has fears - and don't we all - ALL I can say is it was all brought about by two people who care for others, and one special lady who is mine. Thank you Demmie and budgie, but especially thank you ophelia XXX
Goldenwulf
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