Looking - adviceOpinion/Rant

Below is something i once wrote with regards to someone coming into a list and immediately assuming they'll find a partner. Knowing that that's not the way things work, I started out giving a small reply. In the end - it wasn't so small... ;)

Interested in other peoples view on this - yes it is based around the online scene - but that's where I have my primary experiences from to which to base my babble.



someone once wrote:

"i am new - i am totally unsure - i would like help

i am 35 year old guy in secure stable relationship but i want to experience something new and completely different. I may enjoy it i may hate it but unless i try i will never know.

please be gentle with me - "

I'm trying to find a way to write this without sounding offensive - if I do offend anyone in my reply - then it is totally unintentional and totally unmeant and my profoundest apologies before it even happens...

New to the scene:

What makes you think the scene is for you? What particularly interests you? What fantasy is it you have that you think will be met by meeting someone for a BDSM session?

All important questions you need to ask yourself (and most probably will be asked by anyone looking to possibly have a scene with you).

Other questions you may want to ask yourself: Why should anyone "play" with me as opposed to the million other single male subs that are out there looking - some of them with alot of experience, some (like yourself) with pratically none. This is another question you will no doubt be asked.

Another important question you will be asked by any Domme worth her salt - and if you're not asked this then back off sharpish:

"What are your limits?" - of course at this moment in time you don't know, as not playing before means you have no idea of what you like and don't like, and only have fantasies to guide you. Tell them your fantasies, tell them that you are new to the scene and have never "played before", tell them that you are new to the scene and have never "played before" (yes I have deliberately repeated myself). Tell them your fantasies. Then realise in your fantasies what is actually realistic to expect for the first time. Rationalise the fantasy (in discussion with the lady in question) down to realistic expectations for a first session and tell the Domme what your expectations are: "I am new to all this (yes i'm repeating myself again), and what I would hope to get out of a first session is x,y, and z".

So you wander onto the scene, brand new to it all, and you majestically manage to find a Domme (I'll go into this later) (I'm assuming here that you're heterosexual and looking for a dominant female - otherwise just change terminology to suit). You have your first ever "session" with her, and you like it. What next?

Well, hopefully you manage to form a relationship, and explore further and further what you want out of your joint interests in the scene (remember it's a 2-way thing - it's all very well if you're enjoying it all - but the Domme's enjoyment is just as important). However, being new to the scene, chances are things will develop so fast that you don't know what's hit you (nor will she) and a parting of ways is quite likely as you both discover you have different interests, or different expectations out of the relationship.

So what next? You start looking again (I know I still got to get onto this subject)... You still remember the enjoyment of the endorphine rush you got from the first relationship and you crave it more and more. But you find this time that it's harder to find a Domme... You still crave the endorphin rush, but no-one there to help you get your fix (and hopefully their's in the process). You start getting desperate... You feel you absolutely need to play. You start looking at every dominant female you come across as a potential play partner, but find no-one willing to play to play.

No-one willing to play with you, and here you are offering them the world on a plate - a sub willing to play - almost to the point of willing to commit to any scene so long as it gets them the endorphine rush they crave. How can that be?

It can be for lots of reasons -

1) they don't play with people they don't know
2) they have a partner and do not play out of that relationship
3) They simply have no desire to play with you cos you are too young, too old, too fat, too thin, too tall, too short, or simply cos they don't feel like playing that night
4) Any number of other reasons...

What can you do about this: Nothing... Not a thing, zilch. You have to accept it and move on.

You grovel and beg, and Ma'am, and act all subby to the next person... Same result... why? same reasons probably.

and the next person? Same again, and the same again for the next person, and the person after that, and so on...

However in this process, you are starting to gain yourself a reputation, and not a good one at that... Domme's tend on a whole not to like fawning subs, who say they'll do this that and another. They want to get to know the real you, they want to talk to the real you, not the extremely subby you (which mostly is a ploy to try and win favour with a Domme in these circumstances). They want to know what makes you tick, and what makes you tock. And you should be wanting to do the exact same... (Domme's are human to ya know).

So how to meet someone (for the first time, second time, third time, or Xth time)...

Be yourself
Be patient
Be honest
Be patient
Be truthful
Be patient
Be patient
Be open
Be patient

and did i say Be patient?

Get involved - be it on mailing lists like this, IRC channels, Newsgroups, Web forums, whatever... Remembering that people want to know the real you, not the ultra-subby pretend you that you think will impress them.
Let people get to know you through these forums, and get to know people (subs and Dom/mes alike - if you only pay attention to the Dommes then people are going to notice this and not want anything to do with you)
Go to munches/ vanilla social gatherings - but remember what i say above - these are for meeting friends and making new ones - not "Blind date for perves".
After a few munches, maybe see about going as part of a social group to a party - but don't expect to play, especially at your first.
Then maybe, maybe, if you show patience and show you are worth knowing and getting to know better, then maybe someone will approach you (or let you approach them).

Thus says the Gospel of Saint oscagne... AKA sort of my life story in the scene... yes I'm single at the moment, but I have seen many people act in the ways set out above (and I've probably done a few of them myself), and seen them get no-where. Yet I've also seen people behave (and have done myself) as I suggest and get somewhere.

Why hasn't it worked for me? Primarily as I ruined my reputation (though not by doing the things above - but reputations do count for a lot - a Domme interested in you is likely to ask around to get a feel for you from people they know) in a few corners a few years back and have had to rebuild it from the bottom up. But soon, hopefully, something will come from my work.

Patience - i mention "Be patient" quite a bit - it is i'm afraid a waiting game. It took me nearly two years to find my first BDSM partner, and we split as our interests lay in different directions and we both wanted different things from our relationship (plus some dishonesty by one party didn't help things). I got desperate, but I also found someone else, though that also ended but for different reasons (we simply never had time together).

But stick in there... It is worthwhile in the end. You will find someone eventually - just don't expect it to be instantanous - you will have to give a lot, and be extrememly patient - but trust me, there is someone there for you. And even in the meantime if you don't find the relationship you are looking for, maybe you'll find some very good friends in the process - I know I have (Two in the UK and two in the states that I wouldn't want to not have them in my life), and maybe along the way you will get some (what i term) "casual" play in along the way - "fun" play with a friend, nothing more the a scene in a club/party, with no-strings, but play never the less (something I have had the good fortune to do a few times).

Anyhow, I've bored people enough, I never intended for this to be such a long message, so sorry if i bored you, and thank you for reaching this far.

I'm sure some other people may offer their own advice, or add/challenge what I have said here, but these are my experiences/thoughts on the matter, and here they are in writing...

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Good article on Informed Consent#1

The above article has some great advice, a lot of which can also be seen in this article on Informed Consent, written from the point of view of a Mistress.


I'm one of the admins here on ukfetish.info...
Which doesn't make anything I say any more likely to make sense.

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